Sunday 16 October 2011
I have been seeing a psychiatrists and lord, the amount of things that come out. You never sure of how the session will go but you find yourself talking about things you never told anyone. It's like confessing to the priest. Oh, Father I have sinned. Strange, I tell you but interesting. You would think that is only for those that have huge problems or mental health issues. In a way, Yes, I would say I have mental health issues because I am not coping very well with my illness. Right now, my feet are swallen that I have to keep them up. This is the most frastrating thing, since just getting about seems painfull. It's like wasting my life away to just be a lay about. I am not dealing very well with my weight and it is getting me down.
I have been walking these last four weeks and doing some running.You don't know how unhealthy you are, until you are that ill. Getting out of bed becomes a problem, getting anywhere has become sure a nightmare. I don't feel inspired to do anything at all.
One morning I thought I have to do something. So, I went to the Gym but the fees were just was too much. I took to walking and running each morning at 06:00am. It is a struggle, but I have made up my mind this is going to keep me healthy and I just have to do the best I could. The most important thing is; I am doing something about it. During my early morning walk I met to ladies doing their walk. I stopped to have a chat and they said I could join them. So, we became Three and we do it everyday at the same time but have a longer walk on Saturday's. We have pedometers to see how many steps we have do each day.
It's interesting that we have just now, turned it into a hobby. We intend to do a Charity walk from Tilbury to Grays. We call the walk (Walk2Health) and are raising money for Self Help Africa. All in God's hands and taking each day as the Lord say's it shall be. I feel well in myself and THANK THAT MAN ABOVE.
Ulwendo lwamwina Christu, lwalyasha ngashi,
pantu imwe mulesunga, nkusasamusha.
Mwisha neka lesa wandi, muchalo icichabipa.
Kalubanye inshina lyenu shikushose.
Meaning:
A journey is very difficult for christian,
because he keeps and makes me happy.
Don't leave me alone my dear lord in this cruel world.
I will praise your name everyday..
One morning I thought I have to do something. So, I went to the Gym but the fees were just was too much. I took to walking and running each morning at 06:00am. It is a struggle, but I have made up my mind this is going to keep me healthy and I just have to do the best I could. The most important thing is; I am doing something about it. During my early morning walk I met to ladies doing their walk. I stopped to have a chat and they said I could join them. So, we became Three and we do it everyday at the same time but have a longer walk on Saturday's. We have pedometers to see how many steps we have do each day.
It's interesting that we have just now, turned it into a hobby. We intend to do a Charity walk from Tilbury to Grays. We call the walk (Walk2Health) and are raising money for Self Help Africa. All in God's hands and taking each day as the Lord say's it shall be. I feel well in myself and THANK THAT MAN ABOVE.
Ulwendo lwamwina Christu, lwalyasha ngashi,
pantu imwe mulesunga, nkusasamusha.
Mwisha neka lesa wandi, muchalo icichabipa.
Kalubanye inshina lyenu shikushose.
Meaning:
A journey is very difficult for christian,
because he keeps and makes me happy.
Don't leave me alone my dear lord in this cruel world.
I will praise your name everyday..
Sunday 25 September 2011
Wednesday 17 August 2011
Reflection:
l have began to reflect on my life quiet a lot during this time. The computer has become my best friend, my counseling dear friend. Oh, l have lost on dear friends,good memories of those that have crossed my path. l am grieving for myself? Not really, just reflecting on my life. Which began in a small town of Kabwe, Zambia. A very small population, two main streets and everyone knew who is who.
I have had a good life and have a long way to go. My journey has been slowed down but l am getting there. We all have our own choice and beliefs. The way l way this path of my life is my own destiny. How quick my steps are to reach the end of the road, is up to me. Therefore, l choose to do it alone because it is me that path is for. Pardon me if l sound arrogant, but also forgive me for being selfish.
I can not afford not to be selfish as this is the only way l will deal with my journey that has knocked me for six. l want to love myself as no-one has, apart from my mother, who gave birth to me. It is has been difficult and l can honestly say l am more happy during this transition. l have become more confident again and l am able to deal with the pain and all the disabilities that l now have. It is a new change for me, which is still hard to accept. l care a lot for my past life but l have also accepted and embraced the new me.
I had a temper that made me shout and rant. Not anymore. Nothing upsets anymore. l keep going to hospital for my results and it's the same story, they haven't got them. Come on such and such a day. l smile and go home. How much energy my anger consumed my well being. l would have used all that in my healing. l have learnt a good lesson and l know he is wonderful 'GOD'.
God is good all the time. All the time 'GOD' is good. Yes, that's what faith can do. Make you believe and archive the mountains. No-one knows my time but only him. When he calls me l will answer and will follow him. But it ain't my time during this illness, maybe from something else.
Have you read the book (The Lovely Bones). A strange look at faith and how each one of us perceives what it means. l can sound mad, not knowing what l am about, but this is me finding a cure to my illness. It might work for me or not, but l have a very strong faith that it is making me, manage my life without depending on anyone.
Monday 15 August 2011
Wednesday 10 August 2011
FRIDAY, 5 AUGUST 2011
Faith which has so many meanings to the word, can only mean to the indiviual on how the understand the meaning. To me, it is a word l believe in personally and as a christian. l use it as guidance to shape my life and a very personal belief that "l will be wll". Strange when you are ill, what comes up in your head.
It's like medication. The word medication can be defined as, any chemical substance intended for use in the medical diagnosis, cure treatment or prevention of disease. So, can medication be the same as faith? Are we sure of the medicines we take during our illness' will heal us? What assurance do we have that will be healed!
Medication is faith, though we never look at it in the same way. We religiously take our medication as prescribed. We never want to miss a dose because we believe it will protect us from whatever, illness we have. Yet to have faith in believing that there is indeed a GOD, becomes a struggle as a human being. We doubt as we cannot see the medication of faith. We want to see it and feel it to believe, it is what the say it is.
Been ill makes you reflect on your life. It's like out of body experience though l have never experienced it. How many times have you woken up in the middle of the night because you have a strange dream? And the dream may come true 2 days later, then you think, oh. You only confirm it to yourself. You want to find out it meant. It becomes a big question without an answer.
Just like illness. You question youself why me? Have you asked yourself why not me? Who but you should be going through this experience? To accept illness becomes a big issue, but through knowing and understanding you illness gives you an upper hand to live a good life. Being positive about your situation gives you the strength to face anything that will come your way.
Some people write in their dairies about their day to day of understanding what they are going through.
It's like medication. The word medication can be defined as, any chemical substance intended for use in the medical diagnosis, cure treatment or prevention of disease. So, can medication be the same as faith? Are we sure of the medicines we take during our illness' will heal us? What assurance do we have that will be healed!
Medication is faith, though we never look at it in the same way. We religiously take our medication as prescribed. We never want to miss a dose because we believe it will protect us from whatever, illness we have. Yet to have faith in believing that there is indeed a GOD, becomes a struggle as a human being. We doubt as we cannot see the medication of faith. We want to see it and feel it to believe, it is what the say it is.
Been ill makes you reflect on your life. It's like out of body experience though l have never experienced it. How many times have you woken up in the middle of the night because you have a strange dream? And the dream may come true 2 days later, then you think, oh. You only confirm it to yourself. You want to find out it meant. It becomes a big question without an answer.
Just like illness. You question youself why me? Have you asked yourself why not me? Who but you should be going through this experience? To accept illness becomes a big issue, but through knowing and understanding you illness gives you an upper hand to live a good life. Being positive about your situation gives you the strength to face anything that will come your way.
Some people write in their dairies about their day to day of understanding what they are going through.
SUNDAY, 31 JULY 2011
Today on a sunday when l feel l should worship, l feel defeated. My faith again is questionable. It is surprising how you feel vulnerable when you are not well. How you question everything from the way one looks at you or speaks to you. You become your own public enemy number one. Especially with a hearing impairement.
My relationship with God keeps a balance to my healing procees. How easy it is for someone to say 'you try, you are not trying, it's like you have given up'. Being a nurse makes me, now feel terrible on how l treated my patients. l can now understand their fraustration as l am walking in their steps.
l wondered why someone could just give up trying. Sometimes, it's the laughing that makes me more annoyed as l haven't queit got what was said. Empathy is what lacks in human beings. l am glad l am walking this road because l will be able to give my testistmony.
Yes, l have faith that it share be well. My faith is an understanding between me and the guy up their. No-one should therefore, tell me how l feel, what l should do and more importantly know what l am going through.
l am 47 years old and never a day have l been in hospital. This year was the first time l was addmitted for 3 weeks. A year l have cried so much within such a short period of time. l could fill 20 buckets of 20 litres from the tears. During this time l have done alot of soul searching. l have a convinate with the man above to be a new me. Illness changes you a 100% because you see things for what they are and you build a sheild around you.
Are the tears that l have cried from the broken me or the pain l am expericeng? Both, l think. Am l angry with GOD for putting me in such a situation? Yes and No| l think he has a reason for putting in this circustances and this is were l need my faith to be stronger than ever. The prayer l pray every day and the faith l have in HIM gives strength and courage to overcome in the worst pain l go through.
My relationship with God keeps a balance to my healing procees. How easy it is for someone to say 'you try, you are not trying, it's like you have given up'. Being a nurse makes me, now feel terrible on how l treated my patients. l can now understand their fraustration as l am walking in their steps.
l wondered why someone could just give up trying. Sometimes, it's the laughing that makes me more annoyed as l haven't queit got what was said. Empathy is what lacks in human beings. l am glad l am walking this road because l will be able to give my testistmony.
Yes, l have faith that it share be well. My faith is an understanding between me and the guy up their. No-one should therefore, tell me how l feel, what l should do and more importantly know what l am going through.
l am 47 years old and never a day have l been in hospital. This year was the first time l was addmitted for 3 weeks. A year l have cried so much within such a short period of time. l could fill 20 buckets of 20 litres from the tears. During this time l have done alot of soul searching. l have a convinate with the man above to be a new me. Illness changes you a 100% because you see things for what they are and you build a sheild around you.
Are the tears that l have cried from the broken me or the pain l am expericeng? Both, l think. Am l angry with GOD for putting me in such a situation? Yes and No| l think he has a reason for putting in this circustances and this is were l need my faith to be stronger than ever. The prayer l pray every day and the faith l have in HIM gives strength and courage to overcome in the worst pain l go through.
FRIDAY, 29 JULY 2011
During long term illness faith becomes a very big question. Most people will say to you 'have faith'. What is faith? l keep asking myself! Does anyone know what l am going through? My pain, which is physical and my mental pain. This being emotions, of all what l am going through. l have had prayer's and used faith as channelling tunnel of my healing process.
As a christian, l have a strong faith that in 'him' l believe it shall be well. It shall be well, l believe is for me to be able to face another day. l take each day as it comes and just thankful when l see another day.
l diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia which is something l didn't even know exists. This is to do with the central nervous system and reseach shows that 1 in 1000 is inheridatry. Those that are lucky don't have many side effects as l have. l am not trying to trivalise any other sufferer's.
The pain affects the side of my face, pain generating from inside the ear, the jaw and the teeth. lt only lasts for a few seconds but leaves me with tears in my eyes. lt is the worst pain l have experienced. And would not wish even my worst enemy. Believe it when l say, l wouldn't wish it on anyone.
That's when l question my faith? l have lost my hearing in my right ear, the side effects from my medication a long list. Constipation, heart pulptations and when you have a health problem everything in your body just start to shut down.
Memory loss for me is becoming the hardest to cope with. The buzzing sounds in my ears. People taking facing the other side. l am tired now l have to go sleep. l kneel down and pray for my father to give me a peacefull night.
As a christian, l have a strong faith that in 'him' l believe it shall be well. It shall be well, l believe is for me to be able to face another day. l take each day as it comes and just thankful when l see another day.
l diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia which is something l didn't even know exists. This is to do with the central nervous system and reseach shows that 1 in 1000 is inheridatry. Those that are lucky don't have many side effects as l have. l am not trying to trivalise any other sufferer's.
The pain affects the side of my face, pain generating from inside the ear, the jaw and the teeth. lt only lasts for a few seconds but leaves me with tears in my eyes. lt is the worst pain l have experienced. And would not wish even my worst enemy. Believe it when l say, l wouldn't wish it on anyone.
That's when l question my faith? l have lost my hearing in my right ear, the side effects from my medication a long list. Constipation, heart pulptations and when you have a health problem everything in your body just start to shut down.
Memory loss for me is becoming the hardest to cope with. The buzzing sounds in my ears. People taking facing the other side. l am tired now l have to go sleep. l kneel down and pray for my father to give me a peacefull night.
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